Grace. This was a really tough concept for me to grasp. Funnily enough, giving grace to others was not what stumped me, it was giving grace to myself that held me in shackles for so long. I tend to set the expectations for myself very high, which is a gift and a flaw all wrapped up into one giant mess. Failure was not an option in my book and if and when I did fail, my inner self stood lurking in the shadows ready to pounce and pierce those sharp fangs in my insecurities.
I never really acknowledged my insecurities because that would go against my perfectionist ways and admitting I was insecure would mean I failed. So, I was left in this carousel that never stopped. Round and round it would go and with every turn I would pick up a little more bitterness, resentment, pride and all those other emotions that keep you on your carousel horse with no end in sight.
As you can imagine, I hit rock bottom of an emotional well and cried out to God for wisdom and discernment. I felt stuck with no way out and the view from the bottom of that well looked mighty intimidating and daunting. Does anyone ever make it out of a pit this deep? My pleading with Jesus veered into doubt fairly quickly.
The journey was long and arduous and honestly, it’s still a battle that is fought everyday. But, at the rim of that well, I could see a glimmer of light that was shining when God whispered the words to me, “you are worthy”. Immediately I rebut with “but, what about this and this and this…” and He gently whispered again, “you are WORTHY”. I felt my arms reach up and over the lip of the well and tough the ground for the first time in a long while. His love for me became clear with the first step on solid ground. It did not matter what I did or did not do. God loved me the same. None of it mattered…none of it. I wanted it to matter because then I didn’t have to feel guilty of accepting this perfect and spotless gift named Jesus. I wanted to earn it. The pride that housed itself in me wanted to, at the end of the day, know I had worked hard to attain the love of God. There was no scale of good or bad. His love just is.
Accepting my worth and God’s love for me is messy. It means there is no measuring stick of security…there is only faith. There is only me standing on the edge of that well knowing that when I fall in, He is there to catch me and throw the rope in to get me out. No matter how stained my heart is…no matter how muddy my life is…no matter that I may have committed the most perceivably greatest sin…I am worthy. There is no well deep enough that God’s grace can’t reach. He created that well and falling in it may be the grace you’ve been searching for.