Last month marked one year since finding out we were going to be parents of twins. It is funny how time changes perspective. While being a mom of multiples is still a daunting task, two has become the new normal. We have adapted to the life and the mom of singletons who was literally convulsively shaking upon hearing the news of twins, seems so distant and fictional now. We have survived the first seven months of life with two infants, a toddler and a newbie kindergartner. Most days, my husband and I spend the 8 o’clock hour sitting in silence. The kids are in bed and the chaos of the last 12 hours have subsided. We are washing away the doubts in our minds of “can we survive this? Are we screwing up four people’s life just to keep our sanity in tact?”. We remember that a chaotic life always has a break, even for just a little while. It is our time of reflection and mindless wandering. This hour puts my soul at rest and washes the slate clean.
In all honesty, this year has had so many tough moments that they often overshadow the easy ones. The girls are fairly easy, but there are two of them, so even on their best day, I am still outnumbered. The boys have adjusted in their own way (and still are) and through all of the tantrums, melt downs, and acting out, we are beginning to find our groove. My husband and I carve out time wherever we can and have been on a couple of date nights to renew the vigor of why we put so much work into our family each day.
The hardest part of the past year has been me. Emotionally, the struggle of being torn in a thousand different directions takes its toll after a while. Pregnancy took a lot from me. I was bed/couch ridden for most of it and being sick on what felt like my death bed affected me physically. I have a weakness that I like to hide as a strength, though. I lie to myself and paint a pretty little picture in my head that I have life under control and can take on all things without it breaking me. I became a master at this while growing up because I was able to hide some fairly big things in a part of my brain and carry on life as usual. I tucked them away and got up each day with a cute little outfit on, hair fixed, and smile on my face. This was my cover up.
Needless to say, I am going to admit to you, whoever YOU are, that over the last couple of months, I chose to unveil my alter ego. The one that was numb, tired, haggard, lifeless and getting by each day on fumes. I was doing all of the things I should do to feel good…eating somewhat healthy, working out, and taking time for myself with my girl friends, but I could not seem to get out of the funk that I had crawled into. One evening, I wrote down the way I was feeling and the list was loooong. I took it to my doctor and we agreed that I was suffering from Postpartum depression (PPD) and my PTSD was flaring up through the trauma of being in the hospital, delivery and NICU stay. We decided it was time for help, so that is what we did. (I’ll share more of this on a later blog post).
I felt so dry. I could hardly put into words what was happening inside of me, but I was thankful when I simply admitted I was not enough to handle everything…and I realized I am not supposed to.
The Valley of Dry Bones
“The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”
Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
My bones were dry. They were so brittle and lacking I felt they would disintegrate and fly away if a strong wind were to come by. This was a scary feeling. But, as the days passed, I felt more and more cultivated and nourished. It was amazing to see how leaning into God’s provision instead of away from Him breathed life into my bones.
Yesterday, I spoke to a friend about how it is so hard for me to trust God is leading me down the right path. The fork in the road seems so appealing when fear is steering the car. When I got home I saw one of my journals and I felt a weird push to open and read it. I looked at a page that I had written back in January of 2015. It was during a time where I was in serious soul searching and looking for God to show me direction in life. I had written down goals that answered questions in a book I was reading. One of the questions was, “what would you do with your life if you were free to do anything at all?”. Here is my list:
I want to:
grow a garden
live on a farm
be a stay-at-home-mom
be an inspirational speaker
write a book
have a daughter…or two
adopt a sibling set
It was a moment that God reminded me of his sovereignty. He had given me the desire to have not one, but TWO daughters and He revealed this list to me in the perfect vulnerable moment. I am a little nervous about the adoption of the sibling set…I won’t lie to ya ;), but this list also helped me see that God’s timing is perfect and His love for me is incomprehensible. #evergreen
Have you ever had moments that remind you of God’s sovereignty and timing? I would love to hear them and be encouraged by you today!